Making kids is easy. Moulding them into healthy and responsible human beings? Not so much.
We live in a world where ‘adulting’ has become a cool and trendy verb. Your kids however, need it to be a solid noun.
Even good-hearted, well-meaning parents get ensnared in ego-traps, where mature responses in parenting are momentarily replaced by immature reactions of former ego-paradigms.
In this blog I will focus on three fundamental ego-traps. These traps are age-old and have been the stumbling blocks towards maturity for millennia.
One: Acceptance.
We like to be liked. We long to be accepted. We approve who approve us.
On the face of it, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel accepted. We all want to know that we belong and are part of something. Peer groups and even peer pressure can be healthy ways to foster self-confidence and engaging social skills. Children especially, need to feel deep love and unreserved acceptance from their parents first and foremost. This lays the foundation for unselfish self-love and self-acceptance.
But there is a shadow-side to this. Roles are reversed when parents crave acceptance from their children. It could be unconsciously exposed in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. This normally plays out and feels like manipulation for the children involved - whether they can identify it as such or not. Unhealthy emotional leverage gives the parent the power to play an up-and-down, push-and-pull game, in order to elicit a reaction that makes you as a parent feel accepted by your child.
Examples:
Subtly: “Oh I know you kids are too busy these days to come and visit me - that’s alright. At least the pot plants still love me” and then a bit of laughter follows to cover the accusation and drive the manipulative emotion of guilt home.
Overtly: sobbing - “if you really loved me, you would brush your teeth and do your homework as I told you…” sobs some more. “But I can see you don’t really love me that’s why you’re not listening to me…”
At a base-level this ego need stems from the fear of abandonment. I need to keep you close to me at all costs. Heart-centred people tend to misuse emotions to get their way - especially with their kids. The pay-off is a false and empty feeling of approval.
Two: Security.
We want to be safe and feel secure. We actively work to protect ourselves, our loved ones, and whatever else belongs to us. Like acceptance, once again nothing wrong with the need to feel secure and safe. In fact, in South Africa where I live, 80 people are murdered every single day. Security isn’t a nice-to-have, but an absolute necessity.
But things get funky when your child and their achievements become your sense of security. An unhealthy and unfair co-dependancy develops which places an unnecessary burden on your child. Children can often sense, even unconsciously, the unspoken expectations their parents place on them. This smothering symbiotic relationship feeds on the fear of being rejected at a very deep level. The reasons however, can be very practical.
Example:
I remember years ago coaching an elderly couple whose son (about 32) stayed with them. They were unhappy as he was growing unlawful plants in their back garden and making a handsome profit every month. Of course, he also took care of them financially. They were stuck. The tables turned. He became their safety net and had the luxury of living care-free and taken care of by his elderly parents.
Security at its core is about survival. And this form of survival is the fight to stay relevant and useful. Security-focused parents therefore tend to shower their kids with gifts and experiences. Distractions and diversions. This leads to blurry boundaries and confused identities that grown children need to navigate and negotiate later in life.
Three: Control.
Control is an effective way to tame the inner beast of anger. Anger in turn stems from our feeble attempt to force the world into the picture we’ve expected it to be. To deviate from this picture - or our inner blueprint of who things are supposed to be, leads to enormous inner conflict. And the answer to avoiding the conflict? Yes, control. Full circle. Which becomes a behavioural pattern.
The need for power and control is fuelled by our inner blueprint of how things are supposed to be and function in this world. Even, and especially, our children. We force-mold them into our images and expect them to perfectly reflect our likeness. We like playing God with this ego-need.
Example.
Control is a great form of manipulation. I’ve seen it - and yeah, I’ve done it, so many times over the
years with my own children. Control is leverage. Do what I tell you to do or I change the wi-fi password! This might be a light-hearted example, but this game can easily turn into emotional, even physical blackmail. It is essentially a form of bullying although we will never frame it like that.
At the heart of control sits the fear of not being loved. Ironically, control and manipulation are ways to force love towards ourselves.
Don’t feel hopeless.
Like I said, these issues are timeless and very human indeed. Even Jesus was faced with these ego-desires. When Satan tempted Him in the desert (Matt 4) it was the same three needs he dangled before the Lord:
Turn these stones into bread! Control.
Jump, angels will catch you! Security.
Bow, kingdoms will worship you! Acceptance.
The Enneagram
The Enneagram is ruthless at exposing ego-needs. It’s not a psychometric tool, although it also measures personality. Fundamentally it’s a psycho-spiritual tool that unveils intent and uncovers motivations. Like I said. Ruthless.
For this reason, it is indispensable for parenting effectively and graciously. When my wife and I first realised how deeply we were governed by our ego-needs - not only personally, but also in being parents - we knew things had to change. And thanks to the Enneagram, we could now see where change needed to happen.
But, How?
After living with the Enneagram for a while, the needs for control, acceptance, and security begin to stand out like a sore thumb. You begin to catch yourself in the act. Or if you’re lucky, your kids point it out to you.
Example:
One day I picked my son up from school. At the time he was in Grade 6. In the car on our way home he said something and I lost my temper. Listen to that excuse…I ‘lost’ my temper. This means I chose to become angry about something a 12-year old told me to such an extent that I began shouting at him. I wanted to control him. Control his words and actions. Also, his emotions. His response? Took the wind right out of my blustery sails. Just looked calmly at me and asked: “Dad, why are you shouting so much?”
That was it. From that moment on, every single time a wanted to, or began to raise my voice, I remembered his question. Why? Is it necessary? Will it change anything? Will I have more control? No, no, and no.
The Greatest of These.
Paul writes to the church in Corinth that even if they do all these amazing things - speak in tongues of angels, heal the sick, perform miracles and what have you, but they don’t have love…doesn’t really mean anything. Even those flashy spiritual gifts can become ego-driven instruments for more control, acceptance and security.
Then remains faith, hope, and love. The direct opposites the the three ego needs. Ironic how these three common parenting mistakes can lead to radical personal transformation.
In stead of the intense need to be accepted, what if you could trust in the HOPE that you are already everything your child needs you to be? The hope that who you are, is more than enough.
In stead of the anxious need for security, what if you could bravely have FAITH that you are safe and taken care of, and that as a parent, you are a safe haven for your children? Not the other way ‘round.
In stead of the domineering need for control, what if you could let go and simply LOVE what has already been entrusted to you? Simply allowing life to be what it is.
Faith, hope and love are not needs. They’re simply ways of living and being.
And like Paul says, the greatest of these is Love.
You’ve got this.
Want to find out more? Join me for a 4-week webinar as we explore Parenting with the Enneagram. We start 15 October - so hurry and book your ticket now:
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