
This is one of my favourite coaching stories. I regularly refer to it as a stand-out example of what can happen when you're ready to face your fears and step into the role you've been summoned to. For the sake of privacy, I'll call this client Oskar.
Oskar, 25 at the time, was heading up one of the biggest and fastest-growing finance companies in a Scandinavian country. His success came from rethinking a traditional industry and approaching it from a Millennial perspective. And it worked.
By the time Oskar enrolled in coaching with me, he'd already built an impressive company with about 40 people on his payroll. The company was hip and cool - your typical start-up success story.
Our first coaching session went well. Oskar was friendly yet driven. But I could tell there was a bit of nervousness simmering below his polite demeanour. We had good chemistry and determined his core goals, one being to feel more confident in his role as CEO.
The second session also went well. Oskar seemed to be relaxing a bit more, but as I probed deeper with questions, something popped: he wasn't showing up for work. I don't mean this in a figurative way - I mean he, the CEO and founder, wasn't showing up for work. Missing meetings. Ignoring phone calls and leaving his people hanging. Boom. Major fear-based behaviour surfaced in this call. We worked on some confidence-building actions which seemed to alleviate the fear to some extent, but I still sensed there was more. We needed to explore it in a following session.
Session three rolled around. I suggested we face this monster head-on. What was the fear about? Normally, with high-flyers and go-getters like Oskar, it's pretty safe to place a bet on 'the fear of failure'. We explored it a bit. There was something there, but not quite the core issue. Suddenly I asked him a simple question: "Oskar, failing is one thing, but what happens if you're truly successful and you grow your business as you've envisioned it to grow?" He was silent for a moment or two. "I'm afraid of that," came his answer. "I don't know." We spent the rest of the session unpacking this.
Session four. Now things were on a roll and we had good momentum. But I was curious. He'd built up such a great company so far - 40 people working for him, making loads of money. Why not embrace being successful? What I really love about coaching is that simple but incisive questions can really open up a hidden world of suppressed feelings and behaviour. My question to him: "How have you managed this fear so far... I mean, what do you do that helps you to manage it or make it less?" He chuckled nervously. "Ah Lukas, I'm ashamed to tell you... oh man." I reassured him that I wasn't there to judge, but to help him think things through. "I smoke pot." We both chuckled. "What!?" I asked him. "Dude, no wonder you don't show up for work. You're stoned!" At this point our relationship was relaxed and open, and I could call him out like this. We had excellent rapport. "I know dude! That's exactly why." And then things took a more serious turn. "I thought if I only tried it once to relax, it would help me. So I tried it, and it did... it really did help me a lot to feel relaxed and not worry about my responsibilities so much... but then, you know, I needed it. It's hard for me to stop it now."
Oskar had found an effective albeit unhealthy way to avoid facing his fears and responsibilities. But he needed to step up - there was a whole business, with 40 employees and thousands of clients depending on him.
Session five. "I don't want to smoke pot anymore, Lukas, it's ruining my life." Oskar's tone of voice was more serious in this call. During the past week since our last session, his homework was to reflect on what he truly wanted, and specifically, to listen to what the 'fear of success' was trying to tell him. What he discovered wasn't profound, but illuminating: he wanted to be a great CEO who cared for his people and his clients. He wanted to be successful and mostly, he wanted to lead with clarity and integrity. Clear and simple outcome. But the pot had become a stumbling block. For the next two sessions we worked on eliminating this habit. We smashed his limiting beliefs. We created awesome new empowering beliefs. It seemed to go really well.
Session eight. I asked him how things were. In his familiar and enthusiastic tone of voice he answered that things were really going great and he was excited to move things forward. Yet, I couldn't help but hear a flicker of nervous energy underneath his polite reflective feedback. I took a shot in the dark with this question: "So Oskar, where are you hiding the pot?" "No f*cking way man! How did you know!" he fired back. I smiled a bit. He continued, "Lukas, how did you know?" "I didn't, but thanks for telling me," I replied. It turned out he had a back-up stash 'just in case'. But in his position, and based on the commitments he'd made to himself - with me as a witness and thinking-partner - my job was to keep him accountable. And I did.
So while he was on the phone, I walked him through the power of letting go of this 'crutch' he'd kept as a stash for himself. I reminded him he didn't need it and of his empowering beliefs - that who he was as a person - was more than enough to lead himself and his company. While on his phone, he walked to the kitchen, opened the third drawer, got the stash, walked out his front door. It was winter and snowing. He walked to a little bridge near his house, took out the stash, and in a ritual of victory and self-loving confidence, chucked the pot into the river.
Sessions nine onward I was working with a man, not a boy anymore.
He made a massive decision.
Oskar decided to show up to his own life.
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This is the first in a series where I'll be sharing raw, real stories from my years coaching entrepreneurs and leaders.
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