9 Reasons Why You Can't Find Love
How We Use Fear To Hide From Finding True and Lasting Love.
If you're familiar with the Enneagram, this article will make sense following the 9 Ennea-types. If you're not, don't worry. See if you can spot your primary way (one of the nine reasons) of avoiding finding love.
There's really no easy way to say this.
I'll just spill the beans.
You can't find love because you're hiding from it.
Not the kind of thing you'd like to hear on Valentine's day. Or any other day.
But, for a moment, consider it. How exactly are you hiding from finding love?
Buckle up. Let's go on a little adventure of deep discovery.
REASON #1: You expect things to be perfect.
Nice ideal. Not realistic.
Deep down you know this.
Things will never be perfect.
There's no perfect time. Perfect person. Perfect moment. Or, perfect you.
What there is, is a perfect ideal.
Perfection is a great way of hiding from love. The fear of not meeting expectations prevent many people, especially perfectionists, of finding love.
Perfection is simply the pursuit of an idealised standard. Your idealised standard.
I recall the story I heard of a lady, in her seventies, telling her friend why she recently divorced her third husband. "I tried to help him. He could have been a much better man if he had only listened to me."
And that's how you hide from love. You use a standard. An expectation set so incredibly high, not even you can reach it. It's always something juuuuuuust out of reach. Something to aspire to.
Which means, there will also always be things that require improvement.
Like your husband. Or your girlfriend. Or, especially, yourself. And the world.
But is it true though?
Do things (and people - and yourself) really have to be perfect before you can find love?
Is it possible to find love even (and especially!) in imperfections?
Does the fragrance of a rose diminish because it lost a few petals?
What if - like Tony Robbins says - you could change your expectation to appreciation?
REASON #2: You're trying to earn it.
Love is not transactional. If it is, we usually call it prostitution.
For many people though, the belief that love must be earned runs deep. So deep, they're suspicious of anything or anyone trying to convince them otherwise.
They've discovered, the very best way to 'earn' someone's love, is by doing things for them. Helping them. Fulfilling in their needs. Keeping them happy.
Constantly focusing on helping others seems innocent enough, but is in fact another great way to hide from finding love. The fear of not being approved of by someone, keeps you locked in an emotional prison. Ironically, one you built yourself.
Helping someone with the expectation of earning love in return, isn't really love at all. The reason why, is once again pretty simple. It's one-sided. You give to the point where receiving love is seen as something selfish. In fact, you begin to pride yourself in the fact that you don't really need anything. Not even love. Because you're such a 'lovable' person.
But the darker truth is even scarier. Some people help others simply to create the need to be needed. They're so desperate for approval, they'd manipulate circumstances in such a way that they have to be needed.
Forcing love and approval. Finally they feel they've earned it.
But, is it true?
What if you could be loved without earning it?
What if you don't need anyone's approval?
What if you're worthy and valuable and loveable - just as you are?
What if meeting needs are not a prerequisite for receiving love?
REASON #3: You're pretending.
Without even knowing it. You put your best foot forward.
And you keep it there.
You're almost too good to be true.
This is different from being perfectionistic.
This is role playing.
You become the character of playing the perfect lover. An actor. Your approach to love and relationships is like a well-rehearsed stage production. You know your part. What to say. When to cry. To laugh. Even when to cause a little more drama to get attention.
Obviously, this is another genius way of hiding from finding love. The fear of not being accepted, drives you toward becoming another, better version of yourself. This is such a brilliant defense mechanism. It's like a game where you can customise the 'skin' or select the avatar you'd like to be.
By the way, many high-achieving people fall into this trap when they begin to believe their true essence (self and feelings) get in the way of success. Better to box it up inside.
Then, put on the super-suit!
Here's the thing. When you're the actor, where's the real person? When life inevitably shakes you out of your role, who are you then?
And, here's the problem. Most high-achieving people, don't really know themselves anymore. You've grown accustomed to the version of who you are. You've become the character. A persona with no personality.
You hide from love by hiding from your (true) self.
What if you were to love and befriend the person, not the character?
What if you were able to love yourself, not a version of yourself?
And what if someone would love you just the way you are?
No need for the best foot.
REASON #4: True love is simply not meant for you (cue dramatic romcom music!)
"Why, oh why, do they all look so happy?"
"Why, oh please, tell me, why can I not also be happy and find my true love...?"
The grass is always green on the other side.
And when you get there? Oops. Nope. It was actually greener on that side.
And when you get back there...
The belief that love isn't meant for you creates the emotion of longing, or yearning. Ironically, it's a truly romantic emotion. Yearning for the knight on his horse, on his way to save you...
But along with it being romantic, it's also a little sad. Tragic, really. Because, the knight won't show up as you imagine it to be. When he eventually does, he wasn't the one of your dreams. In fact, the knight that saved your neighbour, now he was the real deal! Why couldn't my knight be like him?
Another great way of avoiding finding love, is to yearn for it while you have it. The fear of simply feeling ordinary. No sparks. No drama. Nothing spectacular. Just normal true love.
It simply cannot be that mundane. Many people believe their primary interface with the real world is their feelings. You believe I am what I feel. For you, if it cannot be felt, then it cannot be real. Love included.
So how do you feel things? You cause a little drama. Even if it's just in yourself. You stir up emotions to loosen feelings.
But, like the bulldog that eventually caught the bus...now what? When you find love, it's not a feeling anymore. It just is. A way of being. A verb. A giving of yourself.
You hide from love because what you have doesn't feel like love.
What if, love is more than a feeling?
What if, you are not what you feel?
Imagine love is a simple decision.
What if you can decide to appreciate and trust the love that's already there?
REASON #5: You think you don't know how to love.
You've ordered your next two books on Amazon.
You have a stack of them already. Deep-diving into the topic of love and relationships is a regular thing for you.
In fact, few people know this, but you've even done some online courses. And, have the certificates to prove it: Completed: Finding Love 101, 102, 103, Advanced.
Yes. You know your stuff.
But. You also know that you don't know enough yet, to be able to know how to truly love.
Yet again, we come across an outstanding reason to avoid finding love. The fear of not having enough knowledge, prevents many hopelessly romantic people from pursuing love.
In your mind it's clear and obvious: unless you know all the in's and out's of love, from every conceivable angle and perspective, you won't be able to truly love someone.
Love is something to be understood. It has to be examined. Considered. Premeditated. Consciously calculated.
Yes, yes! Of course it's a matter of the heart, you say, but still, you have to use year head and be reasonable about it. If you don't know everything there is to know about love you don't know how to love!
What if, there are some things in life that are simply a mystery? And by the way, a mystery doesn't mean, not knowing, rather it means, infinite knowing.
What if you intuitively already know how to love deeply and truly?
What if you allow your head to trust your heart to know what it's doing?
What if there's an inner wisdom you can trust? No books. No knowledge. Just simple love from the heart.
REASON #6: You're afraid.
Yes. You're simply afraid to find love. Or, that love finds you.
And, you've armed yourself with some questions.
What if there's something wrong with me?
What if there's something wrong with the other person?
What if they don't like me?
What if we start dating and I die of something?
What if he's a freakin' serial killer!?
What if I'm a freakin' serial killer!?
What if we get married and have children and can't afford the children and we all end up on the street and my children freeze to death and it's all my fault!?
What if it doesn't work?